Friday, July 12, 2019

❝ What They Never Told Me ❞

First off - I SUCK. 
I said months ago that I was going to be blogging every.... Monday? Wednesday? - see, I don't even know. If I'm being honest with you, my last semester at school really sucked. For those of you that don't know, I'm an elementary education major with a creative writing minor. That being said, I'm taking the time this fall 2019 semester to really focus on my creative writing minor. One; because I haven't been writing as much as I used too, which is really upsetting to me, actually. I have been so busy and unmotivated that my inspiration has been little to none. Two; this is the biggest thing - I am really struggling in my major. 
I want to be completely transparent with everybody, in case you have friends or family going into the education field. Elementary Education is such a rewarding major, and profession and I can't see myself doing anything else. However, it is extremely difficult. It has been way more difficult than I could have ever imagined. What no one told me when I went into this major that it was going to be a LOT of testing. Maybe I was too naive to even let that cross my mind but I was genuinely shocked to find out how HARD these tests are. 
For those of you that don't know, in Virginia at least, to even declare a major in the education school (where I'm going) you have to pass the PRAXIS and the VCLA. And what no one warned me when I went into this was that the PRAXIS was going to be so hard. Now, I am not in any way a math person. I'm good with words, no numbers. I am not the type of person who can look at a math question and know exactly what to do. I have to sit there, think it through thoroughly and then work it out. 
Unfortunately, this test only gives you 85 minutes to complete 56 in depth, hard math questions. Kudos to anyone who can solve a math question like it's nothing, I'm truly jealous. But 85 minutes for 56 questions? Absolutely not. When I tell you I couldn't finish, I COULDN'T FINISH. I guessed on the last 6 questions, because i had 15 seconds left. One of those 6 questions could've been the one i needed to pass. WHY IS IT EVEN TIMED? Truthfully, I have failed this test twice. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I was angry. I was sad. I have never been so hard on myself before but when I failed that test for the second time, I put so much pressure and shame on myself. It sucked. I reconsidered my major after that. I thought about doing Interior Design, or maybe Fashion Merchandising. I wanted to do ANYTHING but education, but I knew I wouldn't be happy in the long run if I didn't continue with this. 
The most disheartening thing about it all was that I was failing by ONE question, every single time. My mom would say "that should be the hope you need to take it again and keep trying" but that was the exact reason that it was bringing me down. Because it was one question, BOTH TIMES! And I studied for this test harder than I've studied for any test in all my years of being in school. 

Then I found out that I wasn't alone, and if you're in education and you're reading this and you feel alone too. I promise you, you're not. I started working at an elementary school last semester, I am an Instructional Assistant for an extended day program. It is one of the hardest jobs I've had, but the best experience I could ever get. I love my job. I was talking to one of the Teachers who just graduated from my school with a degree in education. He was the IT guy at the school i work at and he told me he failed the test multiple times before he passed. 
My Coworker at Express is an education major, she's in grad school now, she told me she failed twice before she passed. Everyone I've spoken too has said that not a lot of people pass on the first try. Which is kind of ridiculous, but it made me feel so much better.
Anyway, this has been the biggest struggle for me, and I wish someone had warned me before I went into this. Not that I would have changed my mind, but just so that I could have been prepared to go through such stress and emotion. This is also another reason I got really unmotivated for awhile. 

I'm going to force myself to get back to blogging! I'm noticing more likes on my facebook page and it's kind of inspiring me and motivating me again. I know this post probably kind of sucks because not a lot of people can probably relate. I just wanted to be honest and transparent with my struggles and why I haven't really been so focused on this blog. 
BUTTTT I have been having a great summer so far and I will be posting about all my traveling on MONDAY!!! 
Hope everyone is having a great summer :)
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